I Was Rooting For the Zombies

WARNING: Spoilers Ahead for Zombieland: Double Tap

I woke up knowing I had a review to write for something I had seen the night before. But I could not remember what it was. I was like ‘what movie did I see last night?’ This memory lapse isn’t the result of an over abundance of cocktailing. It’s just a sign of how utterly forgettable Zombieland: Double Tap is. This is the top nominee for 2019’s Sequel That Nobody Asked For or Wanted.

Dead On Arrival

We reunite with our intrepid, geographically named zombie survivors a decade since the outbreak. Electricity is still on (thanks, hydroelectric dams!) and I guess there’s still fuel underneath gas stations. But I’m not here to nitpick the luxuries of post-apocalyptic life. Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) has them living in the White House but wants to roam. Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) and Wichita (Emma Stone) are in a relationship rut, and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) wants to meet people her own age, smoke weed, and hook up.

The girls ditch the boys. Little Rock meets a dude and ditches Wichita and heads off to Graceland, all while zombies are evolving and becoming stronger. So off we go from the White House to Graceland, to a post-apocalypse hippie paradise commune.

What’s So Funny

Columbus narrates the story, lists his rules, and the movie is self-consciously self-conscious. Clearly this is a comedy, I get it. But there is very little tension or drama regarding the zombies. There are a couple action encounters before the zombie slaughter at the commune.

They can point out their own sarcasm all they want, but this movie isn’t “laugh out loud” funny. It is, occasionally, “chuckle under your breath” funny.

Any movie or TV show about zombies will be contrived, but on shows like The Walking Dead, bigger themes are at play. Z:DT tries to make itself a statement about what home and family mean. It fails. Others do it better and in a more compelling way.

I don’t hate this movie. I don’t have any emotion about it. I’m not resentful that it took two hours of my day. I’m just.. numb. This failed to evoke any emotion from me whatsoever. Happy? Sad? Joy? Pain? Tension? Relief? Nope. None. Nada.

I’m just going to pick the cocktail and forget about this movie for the second time in 12 hours.

The Critic’s Cocktail Recommendation

A glass of Girl & Dragon cabernet. That’s what I’ve got waiting for me once I finish this review. Not that I need alcohol to forget this movie. I’m just thirsty.


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